If you've learned anything about me through this blog over the years it's how much esteem I have for the men and women who navigate the nation's highways and biways as truckers. It was this noble vocation, after all, that gave the world one of the finest "Old So-and-Sos Never Die" jokes, to wit: "Old truckers never die; they just get a new Peterbilt." God bless truckers.
One thing, though. I don't get the obscene mud flaps. I've thought about this a lot, and I'm still not sure what message truckers are sending when their flaps are festooned with the silhouetted image of an ostensibly nude woman - and is there anything sexier than ostensibly nude? - in the classic upright and locked position, practically begging...to be splattered with mud.
Is the message for women? "If you're 102 pounds, disproportionately buxom, and ostensibly nude, I'm your man!" Or is it for men? "Hey, fellas. Check out my flaps. This is an accurate representation of what the women look like who regularly throw themselves at me when I roll in to the Stuckey's in Bucksnort, Tennessee at 3 a.m. Jealous? You should be."
I'll keep thinking on this one.
---
You've always heard, "Beggars can't be choosers." Not true. Some of the choosiest people I've met have been beggars. The other day at Sonic, Ellen asked me for some loose change after lifting her shirt to show me a bandaged wound. I offered her the chicken wrap I'd just bought for myself. She declined and reiterated her request for cash, which I was happy to give her.
A homeless woman in Monterey, California told me she never under any circumstances accepted food from people. Too risky, she said. More risky than starvation, I wondered. A guy I met on the corner of LBJ and Preston in Dallas one time told me he'd "made" a couple hundred dollars that day. I said, "You mean you've been given a couple hundred?" He said, "Same thing." He only had one leg.
---
Millions are spent on R & D in the area of kitchen cleaning utensils. There are times, though, when the only thing that'll rid cookware of caked-on crud is your fingernail.
---
The winners of official PGA TOUR events so far in 2005 are as follows: Stuart Appleby, Vijay Singh, Justin Leonard, Tiger Woods, and Phil Mickelson (twice). All are in the top 15 in the world rankings. If Mom was aware of this fact, she'd likely utter her trademark retort to any unusual feat in a sporting event: "It's fixed."
---
There are few times when a mother telling her little boy, "Here's an idea: you be quiet and I won't beat you" is funny. To the woman in 12B on the 6:59 flight from DFW to Abilene February 9: that night was not one of those times.
---
Anna Claire turns 3 next week. She's at a great stage in her language skills when certain words are uttered forcefully, if not accurately. She's all in to princesses right now, and one of her favorites is Sleeping Beauty. Except from her, it comes out "Seeping Booty." Which sounds like either something a contestant in the strongman competition might experience or perhaps a condition that prompted the pose struck by the mudflap floozy.
Saturday, February 5, 2005
Casting Pearl Before Swine
By now, the Religious Right is on Red (Pink?) Alert over the news that an upcoming episode of a PBS kids show about a cartoon rabbit, Buster, features a same-sex couple engaging in the shamefully lubricious act of - hide the women and women - eating dinner. Personally, I've always felt public television's greatest threat to America's youth was Teletubbies.
As expected, every conservative organization, institute, and alliance from the Whigs to the Illegitimate Daughters of Strom Thurmond have decried this development as the latest incontrovertible evidence that the liberal media is leading America further away from the traditional values of places like Helena, Montana, and escorting our country instead straight to Helena handbasket.
But before we throw the bunny out with the bathwater, take note of the paean paid to Johnny Carson, who died last month. Did you see the footage of Johnny's song-and-dance number with Pearl Bailey? The year was 1964. Black-and-white wasn't just the way people watched TV back then. It was how so many of us lived, certainly when it came to race relations. When Pearl met Johnny that night 40 years ago, white men didn't dance with black women, not in polite company anyway. They just didn't. But there was the fully-integrated Carson - and, mind you, merely a budding comedian with a career to build circa '64, not the undisputed and eternal King of Late Night - gettin' jiggy with Bailey, so talented, so pretty, but so very...you know, black. You can still hear the echo of sets across the Deep South and other pockets of white superiority shutting off en masse at such an abomination.
Indeed while Carson fiddled four decades ago, Christian America still burned with the fire of segregation. Most of our fair schools, synagogues, and churches remained free from the scourge of socializing with Negroes. Christian college students who stayed up late that night witnessed two things on their TV screens they'd never seen on their campus:
1) a white man fellowshipping a black woman
and 2) people of any skin color actually dancing.
Instead of taking the lead in welcoming blacks into a lily-white world, God's people by and large were wallflowers while the entertainment industry asked the African-American community if it could have this dance. The Civil Rights Movement accompanied Carson's derring-duet in the mid-'60s, but here's guessing nothing in Washington had a more profound impact on normalizing integration than what was coming into living rooms outside the Beltway from television studios like Carson's in New York.
As with most of us, the entertainment world often misses the mark (see After M*A*S*H and any of the disasters perpetrated by erstwhile Seinfeld cast members). And it's not as if African-Americans have had it easy in Hollywood. Far from it. But Show Business gets it right a lot, too. Sometimes uncomfortably so. And on that night in 1964, Carson got it right.
For that, the least I can do is join Johnny's inseparable sidekick Ed Mc Mahon in offering a posthumous but hearty "Hi-oooooooooo!"
As expected, every conservative organization, institute, and alliance from the Whigs to the Illegitimate Daughters of Strom Thurmond have decried this development as the latest incontrovertible evidence that the liberal media is leading America further away from the traditional values of places like Helena, Montana, and escorting our country instead straight to Helena handbasket.
But before we throw the bunny out with the bathwater, take note of the paean paid to Johnny Carson, who died last month. Did you see the footage of Johnny's song-and-dance number with Pearl Bailey? The year was 1964. Black-and-white wasn't just the way people watched TV back then. It was how so many of us lived, certainly when it came to race relations. When Pearl met Johnny that night 40 years ago, white men didn't dance with black women, not in polite company anyway. They just didn't. But there was the fully-integrated Carson - and, mind you, merely a budding comedian with a career to build circa '64, not the undisputed and eternal King of Late Night - gettin' jiggy with Bailey, so talented, so pretty, but so very...you know, black. You can still hear the echo of sets across the Deep South and other pockets of white superiority shutting off en masse at such an abomination.
Indeed while Carson fiddled four decades ago, Christian America still burned with the fire of segregation. Most of our fair schools, synagogues, and churches remained free from the scourge of socializing with Negroes. Christian college students who stayed up late that night witnessed two things on their TV screens they'd never seen on their campus:
1) a white man fellowshipping a black woman
and 2) people of any skin color actually dancing.
Instead of taking the lead in welcoming blacks into a lily-white world, God's people by and large were wallflowers while the entertainment industry asked the African-American community if it could have this dance. The Civil Rights Movement accompanied Carson's derring-duet in the mid-'60s, but here's guessing nothing in Washington had a more profound impact on normalizing integration than what was coming into living rooms outside the Beltway from television studios like Carson's in New York.
As with most of us, the entertainment world often misses the mark (see After M*A*S*H and any of the disasters perpetrated by erstwhile Seinfeld cast members). And it's not as if African-Americans have had it easy in Hollywood. Far from it. But Show Business gets it right a lot, too. Sometimes uncomfortably so. And on that night in 1964, Carson got it right.
For that, the least I can do is join Johnny's inseparable sidekick Ed Mc Mahon in offering a posthumous but hearty "Hi-oooooooooo!"
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Rear Passenger
My 6-year-old Nicholas is all boy, which is good seeing as how he's a boy and all. His high testosterone level also helps explain his infatuation with the Strongman Competition that ESPN is currently airing approximately 29 hours each day. When you think about it, those contests aren't that different from a typical day in the life of a lot of 6-year-olds. Find heavy stuff, pick it up, move it somewhere else. In fact, those musclemen are really nothing more than a bunch of little boys. Except for the massive quantities of performance-enhancing drugs coursing through their veins. That and their raging hemorrhoids roughly the size of Paris Hilton...only not as disgusting.
Which brings us to an exchange I had with Nicholas on the way home from a friend's house the other night. (I'd record this always-entertaining backseat banter with my kids if I didn't think they'd grow up and successfully sue me for invasion of privacy.)
Nicholas was going on about how awesome these vowelly-challenged, Eastern European beefcakes were that he'd seen on TV that day. Mind you, he couldn't pronounce a single one of their names. Most of them look like something our 3-year-old, Anna Claire, would concoct if she commandeered the keyboard. In fact, I'm going to type in a bunch of characters right now without looking, and I promise it won't be that different than the names of these strongmen participants:
gjkakr#%#@@9959nq's
Sure enough, that very guy finished third on last night's show.
I told Nicholas and Andrew (who's two years older and interested in much weightier matters in life, such as when the next Power Rangers series will begin) that those guys work really hard to get that strong but that there are some negative side effects. I said, "One of the bad things that happens to some of them is really gross, but I'll tell you if you want to know."
Gross is a relative term, especially if the relative in question is your 6-year-old son. So I proceeded to explain the intense pressure that lifting heavy weights puts on one's digestive system - pressure that's roughly equivalent to the new half pound beef and potato burrito at Taco Bell - and how many of those guys will tell you that when they lift that much, it feels as if their plumbing is about to come out their - ahem - their drains. That led to a rather graphic discussion of hemorrhoids, after which Nicholas said very sincerely, "What's the gross part?"
Exactly. After all, what's a little butt barnacle when you're 6? Blood and poop are practically currency at that age.
And some never grow out of it. Which means you might one day see Nicholas competing in one of those Strongmen contests. Of course, he'll need to come up with a different name, preferably one with no vowels. Where's Anna Claire...
Which brings us to an exchange I had with Nicholas on the way home from a friend's house the other night. (I'd record this always-entertaining backseat banter with my kids if I didn't think they'd grow up and successfully sue me for invasion of privacy.)
Nicholas was going on about how awesome these vowelly-challenged, Eastern European beefcakes were that he'd seen on TV that day. Mind you, he couldn't pronounce a single one of their names. Most of them look like something our 3-year-old, Anna Claire, would concoct if she commandeered the keyboard. In fact, I'm going to type in a bunch of characters right now without looking, and I promise it won't be that different than the names of these strongmen participants:
gjkakr#%#@@9959nq's
Sure enough, that very guy finished third on last night's show.
I told Nicholas and Andrew (who's two years older and interested in much weightier matters in life, such as when the next Power Rangers series will begin) that those guys work really hard to get that strong but that there are some negative side effects. I said, "One of the bad things that happens to some of them is really gross, but I'll tell you if you want to know."
Gross is a relative term, especially if the relative in question is your 6-year-old son. So I proceeded to explain the intense pressure that lifting heavy weights puts on one's digestive system - pressure that's roughly equivalent to the new half pound beef and potato burrito at Taco Bell - and how many of those guys will tell you that when they lift that much, it feels as if their plumbing is about to come out their - ahem - their drains. That led to a rather graphic discussion of hemorrhoids, after which Nicholas said very sincerely, "What's the gross part?"
Exactly. After all, what's a little butt barnacle when you're 6? Blood and poop are practically currency at that age.
And some never grow out of it. Which means you might one day see Nicholas competing in one of those Strongmen contests. Of course, he'll need to come up with a different name, preferably one with no vowels. Where's Anna Claire...
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Cereal Offense
One of the things that makes America great is its dedication to the continued development of new and often sickeningly sugary breakfast cereals. I believe it's been our manifest destiny. Would the great chefs of Europe ever have come up with Mud N' Bugs? When was the last time your kids asked for Muesli? Do I even need to answer these questions?
Yet for whatever reason, only two cereals come in a remotely functional bag: Corn Pops and Smacks, both of which ironically had the word "sugar" in their names many years ago before people were aware of the damaging effects of sugar and also when kids were a lot healthier than they are now.
We can put a man on the moon and Ashlee Simpson in the Orange Bowl halftime show, but we can't get more cereals to use these partially resealable bags?
Listen, if you want to hear Larry James talk about the plight of the inner city or Mike Cope challenge the church to be more Christlike, that's fine. Just know that I'll be here, asking the questions everyone else is afraid to ask. Now if you'll excuse me, Count Chocula is waiting.
Yet for whatever reason, only two cereals come in a remotely functional bag: Corn Pops and Smacks, both of which ironically had the word "sugar" in their names many years ago before people were aware of the damaging effects of sugar and also when kids were a lot healthier than they are now.
We can put a man on the moon and Ashlee Simpson in the Orange Bowl halftime show, but we can't get more cereals to use these partially resealable bags?
Listen, if you want to hear Larry James talk about the plight of the inner city or Mike Cope challenge the church to be more Christlike, that's fine. Just know that I'll be here, asking the questions everyone else is afraid to ask. Now if you'll excuse me, Count Chocula is waiting.
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
New Year's Leftovers
Seeing as how my last attempt at posting quotes went so well, here's another. This from Italian philosopher and novelist (The Name of the Rose) Umberto Eco. He's no Dr. Evil, but I found this provocative:
"I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us."
Think about the things you learned from your folks that they weren't necessarily trying to teach you.
My mom taught me that it's never a bad idea to have a couple of show tunes memorized. (If you can remember the choreography, even better.) And that a little chocolate goes a long way. But one of the most important things she taught me was that marriage isn't about getting your way but surrendering your will.
My dad unintentionally taught me that being late doesn't make you virtuous, but it does make you adventurous. He taught me to challenge the biological precepts of food refrigeration and that eating mayonnaise that's been stored in the pantry isn't a death sentence. But more than anything, by leaving show business and devoting the best years of his life to finding safe homes for at-risk kids, he taught me that the underprivileged aren't all there by choice. And that you're probably never too far from the will of God when you err on the side of mercy.
---
In less than 48 hours over Christmas Eve and Day, both Johnny Oates and Reggie White died. One after a long illness, one suddenly in his sleep. Both way too young. I had the privilege of covering both men as a sports reporter. Each was a deeply committed follower of Christ, though White was always more vocal (which perhaps explains why he was chronically hoarse). In an era in which sports figures' faith is so publicly professed, these two backed it up in private. Writing a 1997 article in Wineskins Magazine about Oates' epiphany in the bowels of Yankee Stadium remains one of the highlights of my career as a journalist.
---
Two words I want to use more often in 2005: laureate and shard. Honorable mention goes to mawkish.
---
With so much of the world's attention focused on relief efforts in areas hit by the tsunami, Playboy has announced you'll soon be able to download playmate pictorials directly onto your iPod. We all have to do our part. Thousands dead, millions starving or homeless. At least I have my pocket porn.
---
One of the undeniable joys of Christmas is giving gifts to loved ones that you really would like yourself, then commandeering said gift and playing keep-away. Got the Saturday Night Live Best of Will Ferrell DVD for Amy and can't quit rewinding the skit with Garth Brooks selling his soul to Ferrell's Satan in exchange for a hit song...except Satan keeps coming up with crap, and eventually the deal is scrubbed. Funniest SNL sketch I've ever seen.
Then there's the handheld Tetris game my sister gave Andrew. He's played it twice, me the hourly equivalent of four days. I now speak fluent Russian and suddenly have a taste for borscht, which, by the way, tastes really good after being left unrefrigerated for a couple of days. Thanks, Dad.
"I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us."
Think about the things you learned from your folks that they weren't necessarily trying to teach you.
My mom taught me that it's never a bad idea to have a couple of show tunes memorized. (If you can remember the choreography, even better.) And that a little chocolate goes a long way. But one of the most important things she taught me was that marriage isn't about getting your way but surrendering your will.
My dad unintentionally taught me that being late doesn't make you virtuous, but it does make you adventurous. He taught me to challenge the biological precepts of food refrigeration and that eating mayonnaise that's been stored in the pantry isn't a death sentence. But more than anything, by leaving show business and devoting the best years of his life to finding safe homes for at-risk kids, he taught me that the underprivileged aren't all there by choice. And that you're probably never too far from the will of God when you err on the side of mercy.
---
In less than 48 hours over Christmas Eve and Day, both Johnny Oates and Reggie White died. One after a long illness, one suddenly in his sleep. Both way too young. I had the privilege of covering both men as a sports reporter. Each was a deeply committed follower of Christ, though White was always more vocal (which perhaps explains why he was chronically hoarse). In an era in which sports figures' faith is so publicly professed, these two backed it up in private. Writing a 1997 article in Wineskins Magazine about Oates' epiphany in the bowels of Yankee Stadium remains one of the highlights of my career as a journalist.
---
Two words I want to use more often in 2005: laureate and shard. Honorable mention goes to mawkish.
---
With so much of the world's attention focused on relief efforts in areas hit by the tsunami, Playboy has announced you'll soon be able to download playmate pictorials directly onto your iPod. We all have to do our part. Thousands dead, millions starving or homeless. At least I have my pocket porn.
---
One of the undeniable joys of Christmas is giving gifts to loved ones that you really would like yourself, then commandeering said gift and playing keep-away. Got the Saturday Night Live Best of Will Ferrell DVD for Amy and can't quit rewinding the skit with Garth Brooks selling his soul to Ferrell's Satan in exchange for a hit song...except Satan keeps coming up with crap, and eventually the deal is scrubbed. Funniest SNL sketch I've ever seen.
Then there's the handheld Tetris game my sister gave Andrew. He's played it twice, me the hourly equivalent of four days. I now speak fluent Russian and suddenly have a taste for borscht, which, by the way, tastes really good after being left unrefrigerated for a couple of days. Thanks, Dad.
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